Choices

Sometimes I wonder how life would be
without  my children to help me see
the goodness of life and risks I take
As their existence guides the choices I make.

Would  I get a flu shot? 
Drive in a car?
Would I drive the speed limit
leaving the bar.

Would I bother with a seat belt? 
Drink and drive, would I dare?
I might even hate myself
and not even care .

I might risk my life ,
I might take a chance
I might flirt with death,
Enjoying the dance.

I might want to die,
abandon this life
To stop the pain,
To end the strife.

But these are things
I'd never do
No matter what,
I'll see things through

For I'm scared what might happen
 if I were to die
And leave my kids in this world
Without a guide.

So the choices I make for my children's lives sake,
inadvertently do, keep me alive and safe, too.

Unbreakable

Dedication: This blog is dedicated to those who suffer from and struggle daily with depression,  an illness that society as a whole fails to accept. This was inspired by my own life long struggle.

My world is falling apart all around me.
Nothing is what it seems or as it is supposed to be.
Depression is my illness. It envelopes me and smothers me.
I go through the motions of life, exhausted and distressed. 
I am overwhelmed by the madness in my head
that keeps me from smiling, from feeling. 
I am numb, yet I feel the pain the loneliness has left for me. 
It is unbearable. My hear is breaking.
I am surrounded by voices, yet am all alone in here. 
No one knows the pain I endure.  
I struggle to keep it all together. I am overwelmed with responsibilty. 
I must keep it together. I must not feel. 
I must remain strong and unbreakable.

Guilty

Dedication:
This blog was inspired by my dearest friend's advice on letting those we love FEEL even if it's pain, sadness, or anger. We do not have to make them happy, or become sad, angry, or hurt along with them, nor feel guilty for being happy when they are not.

Guilty
Your sadness makes me sad
Your pain makes me hurt
Your anger makes me mad
Your dispair, for me, feels worse.

I can't let it affect me
I must keep it all inside
I must not be unhappy
But it's all a big damn lie.

I try to maintain composure
So negativity doesn't control
But it's complicated and I'm unsure
How to reach this goal.

My emotions run rampid
Up and down side to side
I feel like no matter what I do
I've failed you as your guide.

Balance

Dedication:  This poem was inspired by June Carter's devotion to Johny Cash and balancing the desire to do for others with our own needs.

Balance
Stand by your Man, Is that how it goes?
Give him your tears and sweat,
Give all you can with out  regret
and learn to suffer the woes.

I Walk on shells to appease thee,
And try to reduce all stress.
I put myself under duress
To ensure that your life is easy.

You coerce me to do what you want to do. 
But if I give in.....Then nobody wins
Because later I will resent you.
So, how do I choose?
I'm angry if  I do, I feel Guility if I don't.
No matter what.... we  both loose.

My name is not Carter, Cash, nor June.
I can give til I bleed..but can't guarentee,
I won't be left without wounds.

Escape

When I am with you, Nothing else exists.
You are my escape
From the loneliness and fear.
With you it all disappears,
but for a moment.

The hurt and pain
of my reality wane
as I lose myself in you.

Nothing else exists,
You are my escape.
Nothing more, nothing less.

The Gift

I did it for you.
I'm doing it for us;
I need to accept what is...to trust.
This is your gift to me.
I'm doing it for me, not just for us.

Awakened

You brought something out in me. 
I wish I could put it back. 
Go back in time, before. But I can't.
You awakened me and I am insatiable.
Everything compares. Nothing compares.
I should be satisfied. But I'm not.

Free

When I'm with you, I don't have to think or make decisions.
When I'm with you, I don't have to be in control.
In fact when I'm with you, I let myself lose control.
You are my guide.
You wrap your strong arms around me, lift me, toss me.
My body responds to your touch.You are in control. You want me.

I get lost in the moment. For a few moments I am free.
Not some one's wife, mother, daughter, employee.
No responsibilities, for just a moment.
No commitments. No to do lists.

You move me this way and that.  I follow your lead automatically, not thinking.
You are in control. I am free.

Accountability

Pretend that when I am talking to you, that I am kissy faced and super sweet.
Even though I am not.
Pretend that you are not too sensitive , to my inflection and tone
Even though you are.
So that I don't have to be nice, just pretend that I am. I mean to be; I just don't feel like making the effort to talk to you in a way that does not offend or criticize. 
So it's all on you. 
I don't have to be nice or sweet or courteous or sympathetic. 

You will just pretend I am, and we will get along just fine.

Undressing

Wow you are sexy,
I want you so bad.
Is this about me?
I wish. Too bad.

Hello, It's me
I patiently wait …
For you to pay me attention,
I try not to be irate.

Are we or aren't we?
You ask me why
It's getting late,
Already quarter to 5.

You say that you're under the covers and ready to go
No undressing, no sweet talk; ready, set, go.

After some time you suddenly say,
we should get started- ready? ok.

Just like that
the race is on
I wonder where
Our passion has gone.

Disconnected

My lip starts to tremble,
The tears well up inside
Lack of interest in me,
A knife in my side.

It is what it is, I know it's not our fault
But my brain is not connecting
or conversing with my heart.

What I know and what I feel do not agree
My heart aches for you, with all my being.
My body and soul need your touch
Just a little, I don't need much.

I just want to know you, I need to share
Why can't we enjoy each other
without any pressure?

Tell me how to connect,
I feel so lost and alone.
I don't know how to reach you,
All closeness is gone.

Self- Worth

You are not a Seven Eleven,
convenient, cheap, or fast.
You  make the decisions
The word you have is last.

You are a high end store
like Bloomingdale's or Tiffany's.
You decide who comes in,
who stays and when they leave.

You've got what they want.
You decide what is given,
You are always in control.
......You are NOT a Seven Eleven.

Quiet Please!!!!

In the bedroom where I rest
Noise is blaring from the TV
Am I watching it, you ask?
All alone with the UFC?

Doesn't matter anyway,
The screaming over takes
every single thing  they say,
and any sound it makes.

The younger one screams and cries
From the older's taunts and teasing.
The noise never seems to die,
Can't someone just appease me?

Can you believe, there's more to tell ?
The stereo is booming
from a room down the hall,
the fa la la's are dooming.

Christmas songs, does that make sense?
It's not even yet Thanksgiving,
No way, not a chance
Yet the seven year old is singing.

Of course he sings some tune in his head
And not the song that's playing
My sanity hangs but by a thread
My nerves are quickly fraying.

 I decide to get up and turn off the TV
....then the screaming stops
Oh no- now he's calling for me.
Asking millions of questions non-stop.

The sounds of footsteps on the floor,
The others trickle in,
Even louder than before
The TV's  on again

Irritated with a throbbing head
No longer all alone,
I slowly get up from the bed
to find a quiet zone.

From room to room I go,
Searching for some quiet
The "noise" always follows,
I wish I were at the Hyatt.

Out of Control

I feel completely out of control.....
All I want to do is scream "Freeeeeeeeze!" at the top of my lungs
to make everything stop...
....until I can catch my breath.

Impacted!

Families come in many shapes and sizes.  We have our spouse and children, our extened family, those we've been friends with for so long that they are like family, and then those who we work with each day and have come to depend on.  With our work family, we share problems, stories, and solutions; We spend more time with our work family than our Home families. 

My work family is a sisterhood.  Without my sisters, my day to day realities of my job would be unbearable.  But my sisters help me not only get through each day, but enjoy each day with their stories, laughter, advice, tears, and tantrums.  Today my family was torn apart. 

The sisters I've been with for 4 years have been "let go".  Our leadership keeps referring to them as "those impacted", and are delicate and gentle and caring when referring to and interacting with them.  Because I will remain intact, so to speak, I am not "impacted". 

No one has delicately taken me aside to discuss my next steps, even though my day to activities have changed; no one has gently asked if I am going to be "ok" in my new environment, new activities, without my sisters to help me make it through; because, I have not been impacted.  I am lost, scared, angry, and broken.  But I am not Impacted!

Cherry Blossom

Petals soft and pink
Reaching toward the sky
twisting in the wind, floating
to the earth below
fading, dying, nourishing.

The Sound of My Breath

The sound of my breath
Breathing deeply, Focusing
Eyes closed, Listening
My lungs fill with air, soothing
Calm envelops me
Wrapping her arms around me
My breath flows, calming
The sound of my breath
Reminding me, I'm alive.