Choices

Sometimes I wonder how life would be
without  my children to help me see
the goodness of life and risks I take
As their existence guides the choices I make.

Would  I get a flu shot? 
Drive in a car?
Would I drive the speed limit
leaving the bar.

Would I bother with a seat belt? 
Drink and drive, would I dare?
I might even hate myself
and not even care .

I might risk my life ,
I might take a chance
I might flirt with death,
Enjoying the dance.

I might want to die,
abandon this life
To stop the pain,
To end the strife.

But these are things
I'd never do
No matter what,
I'll see things through

For I'm scared what might happen
 if I were to die
And leave my kids in this world
Without a guide.

So the choices I make for my children's lives sake,
inadvertently do, keep me alive and safe, too.

Unbreakable

Dedication: This blog is dedicated to those who suffer from and struggle daily with depression,  an illness that society as a whole fails to accept. This was inspired by my own life long struggle.

My world is falling apart all around me.
Nothing is what it seems or as it is supposed to be.
Depression is my illness. It envelopes me and smothers me.
I go through the motions of life, exhausted and distressed. 
I am overwhelmed by the madness in my head
that keeps me from smiling, from feeling. 
I am numb, yet I feel the pain the loneliness has left for me. 
It is unbearable. My hear is breaking.
I am surrounded by voices, yet am all alone in here. 
No one knows the pain I endure.  
I struggle to keep it all together. I am overwelmed with responsibilty. 
I must keep it together. I must not feel. 
I must remain strong and unbreakable.

Guilty

Dedication:
This blog was inspired by my dearest friend's advice on letting those we love FEEL even if it's pain, sadness, or anger. We do not have to make them happy, or become sad, angry, or hurt along with them, nor feel guilty for being happy when they are not.

Guilty
Your sadness makes me sad
Your pain makes me hurt
Your anger makes me mad
Your dispair, for me, feels worse.

I can't let it affect me
I must keep it all inside
I must not be unhappy
But it's all a big damn lie.

I try to maintain composure
So negativity doesn't control
But it's complicated and I'm unsure
How to reach this goal.

My emotions run rampid
Up and down side to side
I feel like no matter what I do
I've failed you as your guide.

Balance

Dedication:  This poem was inspired by June Carter's devotion to Johny Cash and balancing the desire to do for others with our own needs.

Balance
Stand by your Man, Is that how it goes?
Give him your tears and sweat,
Give all you can with out  regret
and learn to suffer the woes.

I Walk on shells to appease thee,
And try to reduce all stress.
I put myself under duress
To ensure that your life is easy.

You coerce me to do what you want to do. 
But if I give in.....Then nobody wins
Because later I will resent you.
So, how do I choose?
I'm angry if  I do, I feel Guility if I don't.
No matter what.... we  both loose.

My name is not Carter, Cash, nor June.
I can give til I bleed..but can't guarentee,
I won't be left without wounds.

Escape

When I am with you, Nothing else exists.
You are my escape
From the loneliness and fear.
With you it all disappears,
but for a moment.

The hurt and pain
of my reality wane
as I lose myself in you.

Nothing else exists,
You are my escape.
Nothing more, nothing less.

The Gift

I did it for you.
I'm doing it for us;
I need to accept what is...to trust.
This is your gift to me.
I'm doing it for me, not just for us.

Awakened

You brought something out in me. 
I wish I could put it back. 
Go back in time, before. But I can't.
You awakened me and I am insatiable.
Everything compares. Nothing compares.
I should be satisfied. But I'm not.

Free

When I'm with you, I don't have to think or make decisions.
When I'm with you, I don't have to be in control.
In fact when I'm with you, I let myself lose control.
You are my guide.
You wrap your strong arms around me, lift me, toss me.
My body responds to your touch.You are in control. You want me.

I get lost in the moment. For a few moments I am free.
Not some one's wife, mother, daughter, employee.
No responsibilities, for just a moment.
No commitments. No to do lists.

You move me this way and that.  I follow your lead automatically, not thinking.
You are in control. I am free.

Accountability

Pretend that when I am talking to you, that I am kissy faced and super sweet.
Even though I am not.
Pretend that you are not too sensitive , to my inflection and tone
Even though you are.
So that I don't have to be nice, just pretend that I am. I mean to be; I just don't feel like making the effort to talk to you in a way that does not offend or criticize. 
So it's all on you. 
I don't have to be nice or sweet or courteous or sympathetic. 

You will just pretend I am, and we will get along just fine.

Undressing

Wow you are sexy,
I want you so bad.
Is this about me?
I wish. Too bad.

Hello, It's me
I patiently wait …
For you to pay me attention,
I try not to be irate.

Are we or aren't we?
You ask me why
It's getting late,
Already quarter to 5.

You say that you're under the covers and ready to go
No undressing, no sweet talk; ready, set, go.

After some time you suddenly say,
we should get started- ready? ok.

Just like that
the race is on
I wonder where
Our passion has gone.

Disconnected

My lip starts to tremble,
The tears well up inside
Lack of interest in me,
A knife in my side.

It is what it is, I know it's not our fault
But my brain is not connecting
or conversing with my heart.

What I know and what I feel do not agree
My heart aches for you, with all my being.
My body and soul need your touch
Just a little, I don't need much.

I just want to know you, I need to share
Why can't we enjoy each other
without any pressure?

Tell me how to connect,
I feel so lost and alone.
I don't know how to reach you,
All closeness is gone.